Get the Approval You Really Want

March 21st, 2011

10 Comments

Wash off the dust of disapproval

“Why can’t she just let me be me?” Margie said to her friend Sarah. Margie’s hopes kept being dashed each time she mentioned one of her new accomplishments to her mother. It just seemed that Margie’s mother never had a kind word for her. Is there someone in your life from whom you’d like to receive some approval? Are you getting that approval?

Here are three valuable elements of a healthy approach to approval.

W – wonder
I – invest
N – nurture

1. Wonder

When you try to gain someone’s approval and you don’t get it, it can be a good time to wonder about what you’re really aiming for. In talking with clients, I often hear that someone is looking for some type of safety. For example, if you seek the approval of your supervisor at work, you may be looking for some form of job security. And that can be a good thing. Early in my work life, I discovered that doing a good job did not guarantee keeping a job — particularly when 29 people and I were laid off after we helped a bank attain the status of first bank with online banking. “Thank you. Good job. Goodbye,” said that bank’s management.

So let’s look at your journey about getting approval at work as strengthening your position. When you strengthen your position, you make sure that you have a strong personal brand and that management sees you as a vital asset to the company. But we cannot guarantee that we’re “safe at that job.”

One powerful idea I heard is: “Job security is when you keep up your skills and your ability to get another job.”

So yes . . . do praiseworthy work. Strengthen your position. Make sure that you carefully let management know that you’re doing a good job.

And, realize that approval does not equal safety. It is something else.

And the truth is: you’ll need to give yourself that approval (know it in your heart) for that good job you’re doing.

2. Invest

The idea is to invest in friendships and relationships in which people “build you up.” Some people (perhaps, because of their own personal life-difficulties) cannot cherish and support you in a kind way. Many of us try again and again to get a family member to give us approval. As some counselors I know say, “What? Did anything change? Doesn’t your (mother, sister, father, brother) tend to say the exact thing to take the wind out of your sails?”

In that case, stop going to the wrong people for support and approval. You’re just bleeding energy that you need to make the most of your life.

Remember to devote time and energy to those relationships that build you up.

3. Nurture

The simple truth (not an easy truth) is that we must nurture ourselves. Treat yourself in the way you would care for a close friend. When you take care of yourself (exercise, good nutrition, sleep, quiet time, a hobby, and more), you will develop a reserve of energy. And — this is important — you’ll likely stop radiating neediness. Sometimes, in friendships or in business relationships, people feel uncomfortable when they sense our neediness or desire for approval. This can lead to their expressing subconscious resistance.

In a few words: nurture yourself and then people will feel good in your presence. Approval, like happiness, appears as a by-product. We get ourselves tangled up when we try to make approval into a goal. Live your life expressing your “aliveness” and creativity. When approval happens to arrive, enjoy it. We can make approval into something that we prefer instead of something that we try to “demand” from life. Approval from others really is like an occasional dessert.

So let’s make life about giving and enjoying the moment. Let’s face it. The approval we really want is something to make us feel better — something to give us some peace. Often, the approval that we seek won’t give us that inner peace. Ask any celebrity with a lot of fans: “Now, do you feel better and relaxed?” A number of the celebrities have said that being famous has not given them what they were seeking.

What approval will give you that good feeling inside? — your own healthy approval. An old phrase is: “Happiness is something to do, someone to love and something to hope for.” Make your life about expressing your authentic self and making a contribution to others — and healthy inner approval will blossom.

Warmly,

Tom

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Categories: Double Your Sales, How to Be Trusted, Your Guide to Money and Abundance

10 Responses to “Get the Approval You Really Want”

  1. Johanna Says:
    March 22nd, 2011 at 11:27 PM

    Tom,
    I think you hit it right on the nose. We rely on and listen to so much of what other people say and not what is in our own heart. We long for assurance and approval from others, when we should really concentrate on our own approval of ourselves.

    Thank you for all the great work with your blog!
    Johanna

  2. Tom Marcoux Says:
    March 23rd, 2011 at 12:06 AM

    Johanna,
    about “Tom,
    I think you hit it right on the nose. We rely on and listen to so much of what other people say and not what is in our own heart. We long for assurance and approval from others, when we should really concentrate on our own approval of ourselves.
    Thank you for all the great work with your blog!”

    Thank you.

    I have some close family members and friends whom I would like
    to feel good about what I do.
    And, I also realize that by expressing my authentic self –
    sometimes these important people are going to disagree with me and
    my choices.
    Oh well . . .
    And, some extended family members will never agree with my choices.
    And the truth is: they do not want what I want.
    And they live in a different manner.
    For example, they are not entrepreneurs. Some of them are retired
    from “regular jobs.”
    So their life experience is simply different.

    So I must listen to my own intuition and heart.
    Even when I hire experts for my projects, the final responsibility
    rests with me. So again, I must listen to my own intuition.

    Here is a good detail to focus on.
    Do not do something that causes you to cringe.
    (That could be your intuition alerting you and saying: “This is not for you.”)

    good journey,
    Tom

  3. Wanita Says:
    March 23rd, 2011 at 4:24 PM

    Terrific advice! I have already been looking for something like this for a time now. Appreciate it!

  4. Tom Marcoux Says:
    March 24th, 2011 at 12:23 AM

    Wanita,
    about “Terrific advice! I have already been looking for something like this for a time now. Appreciate it!”

    Thank you for letting me that this article works for you.
    a great day,
    Tom

  5. hilory Says:
    March 25th, 2011 at 7:30 PM

    Hi Tom,

    Another insightful and pragmatic post! And one that touches the core lack that many feel. We seek approval and love from others without first providing same to ourselves. Once we fill ourselves with the qualities that attract us to others, we will naturally attract others who reflect ‘ourselves’ back. Just as those with a history of being abused attract relationships which continue this pattern, when we shift our beliefs to ones that are more life-affirming and focused upon love of self, the external world reflects this shift.

    And why not self-nurture!! In fact, I am going to schedule a massage tomorrow:)

    Thank you again for a reminder to nurture myself!

  6. Tom Marcoux Says:
    March 25th, 2011 at 7:55 PM

    Hilory,
    about “Another insightful and pragmatic post! And one that touches the core lack that many feel. We seek approval and love from others without first providing same to ourselves. Once we fill ourselves with the qualities that attract us to others, we will naturally attract others who reflect ‘ourselves’ back. Just as those with a history of being abused attract relationships which continue this pattern, when we shift our beliefs to ones that are more life-affirming and focused upon love of self, the external world reflects this shift.
    And why not self-nurture!! In fact, I am going to schedule a massage tomorrow:)
    Thank you again for a reminder to nurture myself!”

    I’m glad that my article inspired you :)

    I find that when we create good energy in ourselves
    things flow with ease.

    Hilory, I went to your website http://diamondmediasolutions.com
    and learned:
    “What do you get when you combine the legendary persuasive power of television with the amazing viral nature of the Internet?
    The answer is online video. . . If your online presence does not yet include video you’re missing out on a huge opportunity to build your brand, reach new prospects and convert them into customers.
    The Diamond Media Solutions team includes talented videographers, interviewers, and script writing for those who require additional help in creating videos, as well as editors and a distribution team to virally distribute videos to 100+ sites throughout the Internet to get your videos shown in all the places your prospective customers are watching and integrate this viral process into a cohesive campaign to enhance the buzz about your business while establishing you as the authority figure in your niche in your particular geo(s).
    What can online video do for you?
    Consider the example of Blendtec, a company that created a viral marketing campaign consisting of a series of videos on YouTube in which the company founder blends various items to demonstrate the power of his product. The company experienced a 700 percent increase in total blender sales.”

    Powerful!

    the best to you,
    Tom

  7. xiolnnfa Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    [message garbled]

  8. Tom Marcoux Says:
    April 2nd, 2011 at 6:35 AM

    Xioinnfa,
    about “[message garbled]”

    Thanks for reading my article.
    a great day,
    Tom

  9. digital products Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 12:42 PM

    I seldom comment on blogs, but this particular one is simply exceptional! Thanks.

  10. Tom Marcoux Says:
    April 8th, 2011 at 1:38 PM

    P,
    about “I seldom comment on blogs, but this particular one is simply exceptional! Thanks.”

    Thank you.
    a great day,
    Tom

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