How You Can Get the Support You Really Need!

February 21st, 2011

16 Comments

Do you know how to ask for the support (or scratch under the chin) that you want?

“Why don’t I get any help at home unless I get mad and yell?” Judy asked her friend Kira.

First, we need to nurture our own energy and avoid asking for help when we’re already upset and overwhelmed. (I know, it can be tough. Life does move really fast — and we’re all so busy.)

It comes down to two things:

1. Reciprocity
2. Express the Pure Intention first

1. Reciprocity

When you want your partner to do something, tune into how people tend to be receptive after they have first received something positive.

In two words: give first.
People tend to give in return and that makes the process reciprocal.

How do you know what your partner would appreciate? Ask a gentle question: “In order for you to feel supported by me, what has to happen?”

You can offer a possibility like: ”Joe, how about I take the kids on Thursday night and you can see a movie with your friends, and how about you take the kids Saturday morning, and I’ll attend an aerobics class?”

2. Express the Pure Intention first

One night, I was working away while my sweetheart was relaxing and watching TV in the next room. I was feeling overwhelmed and when she walked into the room, I felt like saying: “Where were you?”

Instead I said, “I missed you.” That was expressing the Pure Intention first. The other phrase “Where were you?” particularly with an intense tone would have likely started an argument (Not that I ever get into any of those.)

I asked her about the situation and she said, “Tom, I think you did a good job. It made me feel like I need to spend more time with you.”

To express your Pure Intention, you need to first discover it yourself. Often, my clients find writing in a journal helps.

Also, you need to do a “Turnaround” on your first reflexive comment. Here are some examples:

First Reflexive Comment: “Nobody helps me around here until I yell.”

Turn it around:

Revised Version: “I’d really appreciate some help. Would you rather take out the garbage or put some oil on the squeaky hinge on the backdoor?”

First Reflexive Comment: “You’re not spending enough time with the kids.”

Turn it around:

Revised Version: “I feel Joey would like to play catch with you. How about I get take-out food while you take Joey to the park on Thursday or Friday evening?

The truth is: when you really want support, you need to be strategic in your methods of asking. (I provide more methods for getting support and for bringing financial abundance into your romantic relationship with my new book, 10 Seconds to Wealth: Master the Moment using Your Divine Gifts at http://amzn.to/gDub2e)

Remember, in our brain we have “mirror neurons.” That’s how watching a movie works: if the character is sad, the audience feels sadness, too.

So before you ask for support, be sure to write in your journal and take a break. Make sure that you get into a positive state of mind, then your partner’s mirror neurons will be stimulated in a positive way.

Be sure to revise your “first reflexive comment”, rehearse saying the positive version, and then gently ask for the support you need.

Warmly,

Tom

P.S. In this New Year, please consider bringing useful methods and skills to family, friends and even yourself with Tom’s 4 books at Amazon.com

New Book: 10 Seconds to Wealth: Master the Moment using Your Divine Gifts now available on Amazon.com at http://amzn.to/gDub2e [See a video

about 10 Seconds to Wealth at www.TenSecondstoWealth.com

Nothing Can Stop You This Year: How to Unleash Your Hidden Power to Persuade Well, Get More Done, Gain Sudden Profits, Command Intuition and Feel Great – free chapter at http://bit.ly/8zQywm

Do you really want to connect with someone important? (a friend, a loved one, a job interviewer, a supervisor). See a free chapter:

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Categories: Double Your Sales, How to Be Trusted, Your Guide to Money and Abundance

16 Responses to “How You Can Get the Support You Really Need!”

  1. Lisa Young Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 1:00 AM

    Tom, thanks for writing this article as just today I was overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done and was upset. So next time I will have some ways to make it a positive.

    Thank you as always for your insight,

    Lisa Young

  2. Marc Secher Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 1:25 AM

    Tom,

    great advice. This reinforces the idea that asking the best way can be the difference between the beginning and end of a conversation.

    Best wishes to you,

    Marc

  3. Tom Marcoux Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 1:35 AM

    Marc,
    about “great advice. This reinforces the idea that asking the best way can be the difference between the beginning and end of a conversation.”

    So true.
    I learned from one of my mentors to ask gentle questions and truly listen.
    That turns one into a “good conversationalist.”

    Marc, I visited your website http://marcsecher.com/
    and I saw a moving video that you made “a timelapse video of the 2010 World Series celebration.”
    Good selection of music to go with the images.
    Congratulations!
    Tom

  4. Tom Marcoux Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 1:43 AM

    Lisa,
    about “Tom, thanks for writing this article as just today I was overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done and was upset. So next time I will have some ways to make it a positive.
    Thank you as always for your insight.”

    You’re welcome :)
    I’m glad to be supportive of you.

    I find it so helpful to study and practice ways to
    turn a conversation into a positive direction.
    Often, we can be tired and the first thing that comes to mind may
    be disruptive for a friend or family member to hear.

    So I pause before I talk so that I avoid (if possible)
    causing unnecessary discomfort in my friend or family member.

    Lisa, I visited your website http://www.lisayoung.lyf.com
    and learned that you’re inviting people to
    consider a business opportunity that is described
    with: “as an LYF Associate, you are offered: The opportunity to be your own boss while building a business of your own from the ground up, to achieve financial and business freedom.
    The opportunity to experience state-of-the-art, category-creating lifestyle products at exclusive pricing.
    The confidence of knowing that the LYF products you are selling are socially responsible, health-focused, environmentally sound and the most efficacious in the industry.”

    Lisa, I can see that you’re excited about what you do!
    the best to you,
    Tom

  5. Lala Ullrich Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 10:40 AM

    Its a wonderful article! Its so important to express your desires in a right form. We all need to love and be loved, this is the true and natural desire of the heart. But often we cant express it because of different fears with trapped our heart. I read somewhere that is does not matter how good you are, it matters how bad you want it.
    Your article, Tom, has a lot of motivation to start now and live in love and harmony with yourself and others.
    Thank you!

  6. Tom Marcoux Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    Lala,
    about “Its a wonderful article! Its so important to express your desires in a right form. We all need to love and be loved, this is the true and natural desire of the heart. But often we cant express it because of different fears with trapped our heart. I read somewhere that is does not matter how good you are, it matters how bad you want it. Your article, Tom, has a lot of motivation to start now and live in love and harmony with yourself and others. Thank you!”

    Interesting point about “it does not matter how good you are, it matters how bad you want it.”
    I know a lot of talented people, but only a few of
    them focus with laser-like concentration and persevere through all the difficulties.
    I have found that my desire to make a contribution and be of service to people
    has fueled me to push through any fears I might have.

    Lala, I went to your website mygenewize.com/liullrich
    and I learned about ” GeneWize makes personalized nutritional and skin care supplements based on your unique DNA, helping your body in the way it actually needs.
    • Custom-formulated and whole food organic
    • Minimal, added and maximum support where you need it
    • Compensates for your particular DNA deficiencies in aging, wrinkling and irritation”

    Sounds powerful.

    Thanks for your comment, Lala.
    a great day,
    Tom

  7. payday loan refrom Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 10:44 PM

    [message is garbled]

  8. Tom Marcoux Says:
    February 22nd, 2011 at 12:30 AM

    Drant,
    about “[message is garbled]”

    Thanks for viewing my article.
    the best to you,
    Tom

  9. Judita Bacinskaite Says:
    February 22nd, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    Tom,

    It is so true when we are so busy and overwhelmed with work we tend to forget the real intentions and usually we might insult or hurt our closest people. Even a little comment, that we did not mean, can start an argument as you mentioned in your post.
    Especially when somebody is asking for help and you are busy it might make you overwhelmed which might cause an argument as well if not asked in a nice way. As you also mentioned in your post that giving something in return will also help another person help you get what you want which I think is true.
    Also, patience plays a big part in here too because when we are busy we tend to want things right away at this moment and we get angry if we do not. So being impatient with each other can also make us say things that we do not mean and bring us to the arguments.

  10. Tom Marcoux Says:
    February 22nd, 2011 at 8:47 PM

    Judita,
    about “Also, patience plays a big part in here too because when we are busy we tend to want things right away at this moment and we get angry if we do not. So being impatient with each other can also make us say things that we do not mean and bring us to the arguments.”

    Yes.
    And I find that devoting just a little time to exercise and quiet time
    and a bit of recreation is
    so helpful for me to maintain balance and a good level of energy.
    Patience requires energy.
    I find that I renew my energy by seeing something funny and enjoying laughter
    each day (like a portion of the TV show “Whose Line is it, anyway?”)
    – and I enjoy listening to music while do a craft project.

    Just a little time for recreation — on a regular basis — helps a lot.

    Judita,
    I went to your website http://judita.carbonmade.com
    I notice that your ad design for Samsara (clothing)
    was compelling and elegant.
    Congratulations.

    the best to you,
    Tom

  11. Ivette Pilla Says:
    March 5th, 2011 at 10:51 AM

    added this to digg

  12. Tom Marcoux Says:
    March 8th, 2011 at 1:11 AM

    Ivette,
    about “added this to digg”

    Thank you!
    a great day,
    Tom

  13. msn Says:
    March 9th, 2011 at 11:17 AM

    Hi! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this article to him.

  14. Tom Marcoux Says:
    March 10th, 2011 at 1:09 AM

    Rodriques,
    about “Hi! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this article to him.”

    Thank you :)

    the best to you,
    Tom

  15. Tamie Schoenegge Says:
    March 12th, 2011 at 11:44 PM

    Unquestionably believe that which you stated. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

  16. Tom Marcoux Says:
    March 24th, 2011 at 12:25 AM

    Tamie,
    about “Unquestionably believe that which you stated. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks”

    Thank you. :)
    many happy moments,
    Tom

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