Watch Out for 3 Words that Can Get You In Trouble

Watch out for what's important.

What are three words that can get you into trouble? “I deserve this.” Have you ever overeaten or spent too much on some item? Did “I deserve this” pop into your mind? “Hey, I deserve this . . . third piece of pie, recliner, new high end car . . . ” We’ll use the D.O. process:

D – drop demands and explore your preferences
O – open to possibilities

1. Drop demands and explore your preferences.

I’ll say it right now. You deserve all the blessings: The chocolate cake, the top level home entertainment system. All of it.

The important question is: What do you really want? Because you’re going to pay for it! I have a phrase “Expensive so Choose Well.” Too much chocolate cake, and you “pay for it.” Too many consumer purchases, and you won’t have the funds for your highest priorities.

I work many hours and I may feel that I deserve more ice cream or 327 books from Amazon.com. But what do I really want? To feel healthy and strong. What else? To feel that I’m using my various budgets in an empowering manner.

“I deserve this” is an idea that relates to demands. It’s sort of similar to: “I work really hard so I demand more ice cream because I deserve this.”

I suggest that you “drop demands and explore your preferences.”

So the question is not about whether you deserve positive things in life. It’s about whether you consciously decide what will empower you, give you value and get you smiling.

At the moment, someone I know “Matilda” is upset with her friend Susan. Matilda feels she knows exactly what Susan should do: get a particular graduate degree and quit her job. Really? Matilda knows this–for certain?

My point here is that both Matilda and Susan have automatic demands. Matilda, through her insistent manner, demands that Susan acknowledge that she’s right. Perhaps, she would like to hear. “You’re right, Matilda. I’ve been wrong all along. I’ll apply to XYZ Graduate School in the next 10 minutes.”

Susan demands that Matilda back off.

Will they get their demands met? Maybe. Maybe not.

But here’s something they’ll get if they both remain rigid: Drama, pain, wasted time — and perhaps, damage to their friendship.

How about they both convert a demand into a preference?

Susan would like to demand that Matilda “let her be” and simply “understand her.”

Instead, Susan can gently express her preference. And then see what happens. If Matilda stays rigid and demanding, then Susan can choose to avoid calling her at times when Susan feels vulnerable.

Meanwhile, Matilda can also switch from “demanding” to preferring. Matilda could prefer that Susan consider her advice, but she could also let go and trust that Susan will find her own path.

Demands, particularly with friends, cause trouble.

Expressing a preference can often help.

One of my clients recently asked, “But what happens when you express your preference and then the other person does not respect your request?”

Sometimes, you may choose to “have some space” or “time away” from some people. You’re choosing where you’ll be. And you avoid “demanding” that anyone change.

2. Open to possibilities

Recently, a friend said, “That won’t work. You’ve never had success with that product line in the past.”

Whoa, stop.

Just because something didn’t work before, does not guarantee that it will never work — particularly if you’ve learned much in the meantime and if you’re getting new support and have a new plan.

As a side note . . . .  I’ve learned: Handle fear with getting support and having a plan.

It all begins with being “open to possibilities.” You need to start with the idea that something you want is possible.

How does this relate to “I deserve this”?

“I deserve this” gets us into trouble because we’re focusing solely on “this.” And as we focus on this, we’re demanding that “this” happens only in the way we want it to. It’s like walking with blinders on.

Sure, I prefer that all my books become best-sellers. But that’s a preference.

There are many good things related to my writing 11 books.

For example, in writing the books, I have thought deeply on a variety of topics. I like ideas and learning — and I’ve grown as a human being — in writing the books.

I get emails from people who tell me of the value they’ve gained from the books — and that brightens my day. It feels great to be helpful to others. (free chapters of the books at Amazon.com )

And another benefit: a number of people read my books and then want to partner with me on business opportunities. Why? Because they have learned of my experiences and my understanding.

I invite you to take the blinders off, start expressing preferences and see what surprise-blessings blossom in your life.

Remember it’s not about “I deserve this.”

You’re a worthwhile person; you already deserve blessings.

It’s really about consciously deciding to take action for what you really want.

Warmly,

Tom

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Tom Marcoux
CEO,
America’s Communication Coach

Author of

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